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You’re Joking, Right? - Frontline Debriefs (permalink)

Every now and then, my International Tactical Training Seminars office receives a call that absolutely dumbfounds us. This one has to rank near the top of the list.

I was writing when this call came in and I started for the phone, but my wife Brett motioned for me to stop and simply continue my writing. She would take the call. She knows me fairly well, so this was probably a good thing. This caller turned out to be someone who would test the patience of Mother Teresa.

Joe “Ihaventaclue” was on the line regarding training. He and his cohorts were hell bent on receiving training just like they had seen in the movies.

“Can your team come to our city for one day and train us? We want to do real bullet-type firing on vehicle assaults and room entries and hostage rescues with all the explosives and such and oh yeah, can you equip us with all the stuff those SWAT guys have and even that body stuff that stops bullets that they wear so we look like we know what we’re doing? We want to shoot rifles and pistols and even shotguns if that’s okay too! How about it?”

Ever the patient one, Brett posed the simplest of questions. “Have any of you ever received training before?”

“Well, no, that’s why we’re coming to you.”

“Then I don’t really think that’s possible,” Brett responded.

“Why not?” the caller irritatingly queried.

“Well, real bullets can make real holes in real things such as yourselves.”

“Huh?” (The caller was thrown by this one.)

Brett went on to explain that even highly trained teams could probably not pull all of this off in one single day of training.

But our would-be Bruce Willis persisted: “Yeah, I really get all of that, lady, but all we want to do is shoot real fast for a day with all the guns and things that you have. So whadda’ya think?”

I like this guy. I mean, without people like him, life would be pretty boring.

The phrase “you don’t know what you don’t know” takes full effect with individuals such as this. No doubt he expected all of this at the bargain rate of $25 per person for the day including ammo, a catered lunch and a limo for their Ramboesque foray into the tactical world.

This guy would make a great Hollywood director. He would be the guy who demands a suppressor on a two-inch revolver, a shotgun that upends semi-trucks, a pistol that never runs out of ammo, and action dialogue crafted by a third grader.

“Well, lady, I am just going to have to find someone else who’ll do this for us!”

“You just do that, sir. Good luck,” Brett responded.

Now there is probably some idiot out there who will emphatically state that he can fulfill all of these demands and more. Quite possibly he can get these guys up to speed in less than two hours as well. (Apparently some people are really, really, really good at training.)

And just as likely, Joe and his burgeoning SWAT buddies will promptly shoot each other in the posterior at the very least, which is a good thing as it weeds out the gene pool for a fairly short period of time.

I’m sure many of you reading this have experienced similar situations when those without a clue assume that in a single day they can learn everything that took you decades to get a handle on.

These people are simply much better than we could ever hope to be. I really, really like these guys!

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What is wrong with a guy and his pals, out for a day of clean, wholesome, fun? Maybe someone will set up a “fantasy camp” where geeks like this dude, can fly up to Idaho, and play “cops and robbers” ?